Step Four is the vigorous and painstaking effort to discover what the liabilities in each of us have been, and are. I want to find exactly how, when, and where my natural desires have warped me. I wish to look squarely at the unhappiness this has caused others and myself. By discovering what my emotional deformities are, I can move toward their correction. Without a willing and persistent effort to do this, there can be little sobriety or contentment for me.
To resolve ambivalent feelings, I need to feel a strong and helpful sense of myself. Such an awareness doesn't happen overnight, and no one's self-awareness is permanent. Everyone has the capacity for growth, and for self-awareness, through an honest encounter with reality. When I don't avoid issues but meet them directly, always trying to resolve them, they become fewer and fewer.
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I remember how scary it was to face all of the truths about myself that I had to face to do a thorough 4th step. I also remember that, when I first started writing it, only a few "matters" came to me. I had to ask Creator to show me what I needed to see to do a thorough 4th step. Boy was that prayer answered! People around me started telling me what my "issues" were! They probably had before, but I hadn't been willing to hear it. This Daily Reflection is a good reminder to me that my self-awareness isn't permanent; I have to keep being willing to see the truths about myself that keep my from being happy, joyous, and free. I still have to ask for the willingness to see and face them, and to share them with God, myself, and another human being. It isn't nearly as scary as it used to be, because I have experienced the happiness, joy, and freedom that are promised!
ReplyDeleteI remember hating that I even had to do a 4th step. I really didn't want to admit even to myself that I had any "defects" and those that I did acknowledge I figured that I'd worked hard to make them part of me. What crap I fed myself! Now, looking back, I can see how advanced in the disease I really was. It's become a lot easier to admit when I'm wrong. I still don't like it much but it's easier. These days my biggest issue seems to be trying to keep myself out of the severe depression and anxiety. Maybe my meds aren't working or maybe it's just all this snow that never goes away. But I'll just keep talking to God and doing my meditations and taking the meds and have faith that it will turn around again.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing! I know I can't do this alone. Without talking to other alkies, I'd go nuts. I got some news - it looks like I'll be staying here to do my clinical this summer! That means I can keep my same meetings!!
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